0252hours.

2007-10-27

I was looking through old letters, messages and things and it only just occurred to me fully how odd human nature is.

There were so many things from people who I used to love dearly; I thought I loved dearly; and those who I still love dearly. When does someone whom you're close to not become one any longer?

The number of people who I have drifted apart from after a year or more of close talking everyday cannot be counted on my fingers. But what I can remember from rereading everything is that I don't like losing them. Alright, I would also have a hard time keeping up with everyone but there are so many, 'I should haves' and 'I could haves' and even more 'I didn'ts'. Why didn't I? It's always as if looking back somehow has an answer sheet provided. I guess any relationship has to have both parties working hard towards it so of the people that I’ve ‘lost’, the ones that hurt the most are the ones that I was still giving but nothing was coming back. And then I look back again, and I realise that I must have hurt people who were giving to me but I wasn’t prepared to continue putting in effort anymore.

The whole point of drifting apart is that it’s gradual. So you never know when it hits you. All you know is that you start missing what you used to have but you can’t get it back. Sometimes it’s your fault. Sometimes it’s not. But it’s always not a nice feeling. Even with all that going through my mind, I know that there will come a point in time when the relationships that I’m building will go through this too. And I’m probably still not going to be prepared enough to keep them going, going, going because I’m tired.

People tell you things you believe at that time – I’ll never forget you even when I’m old and weary, we’ll keep in touch forever, I’m really thankful for your friendship. Show concern and let you feel cared for but how long do these things really last? I know the answer to this is not to rely on man, but on God who is everlasting and never-changing, but on nights like these, when it’s quiet and when it’s way too late to think of someone I can call now, I think too much.