automatic.

2006-06-07

i want to turn off the news and stop the magazines and the internet. i want to stop hearing about hers, hims or yous. i want myself and someone i can be really comfortable and open with alone together for a long long time.

but there's no someone and the world is still ugly, still spinning when i turn to check again. because i contribute to it at any rate. i get really scared of people sometimes, the ones who seem one way but can turn into unrecognisable persons in a snap. but everything i don't like, i find that i am like that sometimes too.

i can't say i've never been hypocritical, never lied, never been mean, never deliberately made someone feel bad, never abandoned someone in desperate need of comforting. if you think you've never done any of these things, reflect again. you [probably] didn't even realise you did them.

i feel worthless. reminding people of Ephesians 6: 5-8. but when i read it now, i cannot bring myself to feel that wonder and motivation that i felt yesterday. i get scared when i get these feelings. i want them, and i don't want them. because i don't know where they're coming from. and because when i don't get them again, i feel like i'm not right, and that i should be doing something, anything to change that.

i think i get scared alot. i get scared to live sometimes, but it's not a choice i make.